Chapter 46: Old Grievances
The situation was awkward enough to make it hard to breathe. The maids in the carriage kept their heads lowered, not daring to make a sound. Song Hemei's temples throbbed, and she actually dared not look at Yu Yeqing's expression.
She gritted her teeth, pulled a stern face, and scolded, "Shao Lianzhu, if you keep spouting nonsense, I'll throw you out to feed the wolves right now."
Lianzhu immediately became frightened. He squirmed free from Chunhui's arms, crawled across the soft cushion toward her, and tugged at her sleeve. "Wrong, Mother is not angry."
Song Hemei drew her arm back, pulling her sleeve out of his grasp, and ignored him.
She took a deep breath, finally managing to maintain a calm expression without showing any weakness. She looked at Yu Yeqing and curled her lips into a faint smile. "You must excuse my poor teaching, Lord Yu. I will ensure he does not speak such absurd words again."
Yu Yeqing gave her a long look, one that made her feel as though her heart had been lightly struck.
Some things, once they happen, have happened. Marks left on the body and scars left in the heart can never be erased. No matter how much you pretend, you can't hide it.
Yu Yeqing responded with a faint "mm," then withdrew his gaze, looped the reins more tightly around his hand, and gripped them firmly.
Song Hemei suddenly felt she had no energy left for polite formalities. Each of them knew the truth in their hearts. There were no outsiders here, so why bother with such self-deceiving pleasantries?
She let out a soft sigh, leaned back against the carriage wall, and closed her eyes, feeling somewhat despondent.
Lianzhu thought he had made her angry and dared not act up anymore, but he still came forward to take her hand, pressing his cheek against the back of it. Kneeling on the soft cushion as if performing a great kowtow, he looked as obedient and devout as a little puppy.
Song Hemei glanced at him sideways but said nothing. However, she did not pull her hand away again.
The closer it got to noon, the fiercer the sun became.
It was still tolerable for Song Hemei inside the carriage, but her gaze drifted to Yu Yeqing riding outside. She watched the sunlight striking his plain-colored robes, making him seem to glow along with it.
Riding a horse in the summer was hardly pleasant. What was he thinking, insisting on riding?
She turned her head. Lianzhu had already curled up asleep against her leg. He really knew how to push his luck, holding her hand to his chest and lightly resting his head on her thigh.
Song Hemei gently placed her free hand on his forehead and felt sweat. Children always felt the heat more than adults.
She gave a meaningful glance to the person beside her. Chunhui immediately understood her intention, stood up, and said to the driver, "I recall there's a river a little further ahead. Let's rest there. The lady and the young master can't stand the heat. We'll travel again after the sun passes overhead."
Her voice was neither too loud nor too soft, and Yu Yeqing could hear it all. He instinctively looked toward the carriage, catching a glimpse of her profile and a little bundle huddled next to her.
It seemed... she didn't hate the child that much.
The driver, having received the order, instinctively looked toward him. Yu Yeqing nodded, not refusing.
When they arrived at the spot, Song Hemei got out of the carriage first. Lianzhu, still drowsy, was carried by the maidservant and followed closely behind her.
Yu Yeqing paused, then dismounted as well, walking behind them at a measured distance.
The water in the river felt cool to the touch. Song Hemei took out a handkerchief and handed it to the person behind her. Suhui immediately went to rinse it in the river. When she returned, the handkerchief had absorbed the coolness of the water.
Song Hemei crouched down and met Lianzhu's eyes. The child, understanding nothing, just grinned foolishly at her.
Seeing that, she couldn't help but feel a surge of irritation. She dabbed the handkerchief on his cheeks and the tip of his nose. Lianzhu thought she was playing with him and giggled. Finally, she pressed firmly on his forehead, forcing his head to tilt back.
Song Hemei ground her teeth. "Do you even know what 'already' means? How can you use that word so carelessly? 'Already' is for things that have already happened—eating a meal, drinking water. If the meal and water haven't even entered your mouth, how can you say 'already'? I really need to find you a tutor to teach you properly!"
Lianzhu was still confused, but he nodded along with her words.
Song Hemei pressed the handkerchief over his face. He wobbled, almost falling, but managed to steady himself, took the handkerchief off, and wiped his own face obediently while laughing.
She didn't know who this child took after in his lack of guile. Shao Wen'ang only had a silver tongue, with his own schemes in mind, and Cao Lingchun seemed meek, but that meekness was only for Shao Wen'ang. She had her own little calculations for other matters.
Song Hemei shook her head helplessly. When she stood up, she noticed Yu Yeqing staring at her. His expression was complicated, as if he had fallen into a quagmire, deep and murky, as if he wanted to drag her in with him.
Song Hemei pressed her lips together and was the first to look away. She lifted her chin slightly toward Suhui.
Suhui immediately understood, picked up the prepared water flask, stepped forward, and respectfully offered it. "Have some water to quench your thirst, Lord Yu. Rest here a while; it won't delay us much."
Yu Yeqing withdrew his gaze and looked at the water flask presented before him. Emotions shrouded him. He restrained himself, but finally took the flask.
His thumb gently stroked the body of the flask. It looked brand new. Was this... specially brought for him?
His eyes darkened. The cool water went down his throat, but it couldn't suppress the restless heat surging in his heart. The fact that his emotions were stirred by such a small kindness felt like a mockery of his weak will.
But when he looked up again, he saw her watching the child. He could see the softness in her eyes, see her deliberately teasing the child. She was both a loving mother and a strict one.
Once again, he thought: it seemed she didn't really hate this child.
And yet, as he looked at the child for too long, at the edges of his brows and eyes, he saw the likeness of Shao Wen'ang.
The cool water seeped into his heart and lungs. Though it was summer, he felt a chill seeping outward from the depths of his heart.
Perhaps he had stared too long. Song Hemei could have kept ignoring it, but Lianzhu, understanding nothing, looked over in his direction and then, stumbling, walked toward him.
Song Hemei didn't pull him back. Instead, she let him go forward step by step, as if it gave her an excuse to follow his gaze and ask him just what he was trying to do.
It was Lianzhu who first stopped in front of him, tilting his head way back to barely make out the man's face. "Lianzhu, knows wrong."
His voice was timid. Yu Yeqing looked down at him. He didn't know when his tightly clenched fingers had begun to loosen, and then he half-crouched and lightly placed his hand on the child's head.
The child's crown was very soft—just like Minglian's when she was little.
His wavering heart scorned him. As he stared at the child before him, he couldn't tell what outcome he actually wanted to lean toward, and so he remained silent for a long time.
It was Song Hemei who spoke first. "What was Lord Yu looking at just now? Is there something written on my face?"
Yu Yeqing's Adam's apple bobbed. Stubbornly, he asked again, "Is there anything you wish to say to me?"
Song Hemei found him truly inexplicable. What did she want to say? She did have questions, though.
But if she asked, it would seem like she was the one at a disadvantage—as if she alone, out of the two of them, was the one fixated on the past.
She raised an eyebrow and looked at him, tossing the question back. "No. But if you have anything you want to say to me, I might reluctantly listen."
Yu Yeqing said nothing. Song Hemei grew annoyed. She really felt that if he was so reluctant to speak, he might as well have his throat ripped out and thrown away.
She wanted to pull Lianzhu away, but at that moment, Lianzhu suddenly spoke. "Ride horse. Want to ride horse."
The child's eyes were bright. He had never really been out before, and everyone around him normally took carriages. Because Shao Wen'ang now couldn't stand the sight of people riding horses, Lianzhu treasured the idea even more.
Before Yu Yeqing could answer, Song Hemei immediately put on a stern face. "No. Riding a horse is dangerous. What if you fall?"
Lianzhu dared not speak, but his head was still in Yu Yeqing's palm—soft head, soft face. Acting on some inexplicable impulse, Yu Yeqing answered, "It's fine."
He stood up. "I'll hold him. When he gets bored, I'll let him go back to the carriage."
Song Hemei immediately refused. "No, no. If you can't hold him—"
She stopped mid-sentence.
She suddenly remembered how Yu Yeqing had ridden a horse to take her home before. Her legs had been sore, so she had to sit sideways. She had leaned against his chest and slept for most of the journey, and he had held her steadily. He hadn't let her fall even once.
Song Hemei's heart leaped. She instinctively looked at his chest. Over the past few years, he hadn't seemed to have grown thin. Those sensations she thought she had forgotten, buried under her memories, suddenly came rushing back, leaving her speechless for a moment.
Yu Yeqing took her silence as consent. He lowered his head and said to Lianzhu, "Your mother agreed."
Lianzhu was immediately delighted and hugged his leg, swaying back and forth. "You are a good handsome devil."
Yu Yeqing had grown accustomed to that term. He still reached out and patted the top of the child's head.
Having gotten his wish, Lianzhu turned back to look for Suhui and wanted to go to the river. Song Hemei didn't move. She looked up at the man before her. "Lord Yu is rather indulgent with him. Holding him in the summer is no different from holding a hot water bottle. Don't you find it hot?"
Yu Yeqing looked back at her, but didn't answer her question. Instead, he asked, "Dangerous... does that mean you think I would also let Lianzhu fall from a horse?"
Song Hemei caught his use of "also," which referred to Shao Wen'ang's case. She frowned instinctively. "He wasn't good at riding, and that was a spirited horse. Of course he fell. You are different from him."
Besides, not everyone was like Shao Wen'ang, who fawned over anyone with power and influence and ended up being played like a fool.
Yu Yeqing's long eyelashes fluttered. His attention caught on her last few words.
Different from Shao Wen'ang... Was she defending the dignity of Shao Wen'ang's fall? Or was she—
Yu Yeqing withdrew his gaze, refusing to think any deeper. He only said coldly, "If so, then rest assured."
He turned and went to a shady spot, sitting down with his back against a tree trunk. Song Hemei gave him a strange look and thought to herself, truly, who knows what bad habits this man has picked up over the years.
She took a deep breath and decided to ignore him entirely. She thought viciously: if the sun was still this scorching tomorrow, she wouldn't stop to rest again.
After midday, they found a cooler road to travel on. Lianzhu stretched out his arms wide. Yu Yeqing bent down and scooped him up in one smooth motion, mounting the horse with the child in his arms.
Song Hemei stood on the ground, watching Lianzhu flail about joyfully, and couldn't help scolding him. "If you keep moving around, I'm sending you right back into the carriage."
Lianzhu immediately behaved. Song Hemei's gaze shifted upward to Yu Yeqing. His expression was calm, which was reassuring to see. But as her eyes swept across, she happened to notice what seemed to be a scar on his palm.
She froze for a moment. She remembered that before, he hadn't had that scar on his palm.
She instinctively glanced at him again. She hadn't heard of any official whose position required him to draw blood.
Perhaps her gaze was too obvious. Yu Yeqing turned his head to look at her. "Don't worry, I won't drop him."
He paused, then added, "You know I won't."
Song Hemei's eyelashes trembled. His words were too pointed—the first time he had ever alluded to the past with her.
She hurriedly looked away, but still felt the urge to ask him about it. Only, given their current relationship, no matter how she brought it up, it wouldn't be appropriate.
While she hesitated, it seemed Yu Yeqing misunderstood her.
He seemed to think for a moment in silence, then finally extended his hand toward her.
Song Hemei was stunned. "What are you doing?"
Judging by Yu Yeqing's expression, he seemed to find her thoughts strange instead. But he still opened his palm, revealing the one without the scar. His long, slender fingers were right before her. He spoke to her, "If you want, you can come along too."
Together? Ride one horse?
Song Hemei really didn't know what to say. Was this proper?
Should she thank him for setting aside past grievances and indulging her wishes? Or should she ask him if he was treating her like a child!
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