Chapter 63: Thoughtfulness
Song Hemei felt that she ought to know what it was like to be enamored with someone.
Although Shao Wen'ang had been a nightmare and a stain from the youthful stirrings of her heart, she still remembered that feeling from back then—sitting alone in her boudoir in the afternoon, hearing that he had arrived at the residence, her heart pounding uncontrollably in her chest.
Thinking carefully now, it was similar to then, yet slightly different.
Back then, she only longed for the endless days and nights they would have together after marriage, caring for nothing else. But this current feeling of love was hidden within numerous constraints, and by the time she realized it, it was already too late.
Even though she knew that cutting it off this morning would have been the best course of action, it was too late now. She truly couldn't bear to let go.
Her muttered words reached Yu Yeqing's ears as faint sounds. He subconsciously asked, "What?"
Resigned, Song Hemei relaxed her body, letting him hold her, but she still insisted on asking, "Are you really not married or have any concubines?"
"No."
"Not even in three years? Now that you have an official position, haven't any of your superiors or colleagues tried to marry their daughters or sisters to you?"
Song Hemei coughed lightly, coaxing the words out gradually, "There's no need to hide anything from me. We are townsfolk, after all. If you truly had a wife or concubine, and they found out about our current affairs, it would inevitably cause some trouble. They probably wouldn't know about our past. If you tell me in advance, I could explain things for you if anything happens."
Yu Yeqing fell silent. Though it was only a brief pause, she inexplicably felt it stretched on endlessly. A vague unease spread through her, making her unconsciously grip the corner of the blanket.
Then, his voice, suddenly cold, reached her ears. "If there were, how would Second Miss explain it?"
Song Hemei's heart jumped. Could it be that there really was one?
She answered vaguely, "Naturally, I would explain to her that it was my brother and I who wronged you, that you were driven to this by extreme anger, that it's merely revenge, untainted by personal feelings."
Before her words had faded, she could feel Yu Yeqing's arms tightening around her even more.
His tone had sunk to a chilling degree. "So that's how you see it."
He gave a rare, cold laugh. "I'm afraid I've disappointed Second Miss. I come from a humble background, and my current duties require me to travel constantly. Who would be willing to marry their daughter to me? That speech of yours seems to have no use here."
With no further worries on that front, and his answer so certain—even seemingly angered by her words—he must be clean in that regard.
Clean was good. She would never be one to interfere in another's relationship. Now she didn't have to suppress this feeling in her heart.
Changzhou was not the Capital. The previous Emperor's Empress was also a woman who had remarried. Presumably, an official marrying a remarried woman was not an impossible hurdle.
As she pondered this, Yu Yeqing's words were forced out from his throat, strained and suppressed. "You think I'm taking revenge on you?"
Song Hemei had no idea what his intentions truly were—whether it was revenge, or simply a flower there for the picking. The immediate priority was to resolve his resentment over what happened three years ago. That way, he might be more receptive to thinking about their relationship in a new light.
But she could also hear a note of displeasure in his voice. What was he angry about? Could it be that he disliked her painting him as too stubborn and bitter?
"No, I'm not. I was just thinking about how to explain it. An explanation needs to absolve you, to make you seem proper and reasonable, doesn't it?"
Back then, Shao Wen'ang had twisted words and fabricated reasons, making such matters sound noble and just.
Her words, however, were met with another cold laugh from Yu Yeqing.
He tightened his arm around her waist, his thin lips close to her ear. "Things have long been murky between you and me. Second Miss can cut ties decisively and reignite an old flame without distraction, but I am not as resolute as Second Miss. I also cannot drag innocent women into this."
Song Hemei's waist was already a bit sore. His force made her inhale sharply. Hearing his words, a sense of injustice rose in her chest.
"Reignite what old flame with whom?" She tugged at his hand. "Loosen up a bit, you're hurting me."
Yu Yeqing let out a heavy breath, but his hands obediently loosened. Yet he seemed unwilling to pull away entirely. Moving up or down would only add to the intimacy, so Song Hemei simply took his hand and placed it on her lower stomach.
Something seemed to soothe him, for although his voice was still somewhat sullen, it had lost some of its coldness. "Naturally, with Lord Shao."
Song Hemei pressed her lips together. Bringing up those old matters now would inevitably sound like she was trying to excuse herself. What good would her ten thousand grievances do, besides inviting contempt?
Her mother had once said, do not confide your pain even to the one who shares your pillow.
Her birth family's indifference would make her seem alone and pitiable, with no one to rely on, easily taken advantage of. Those pains would be suddenly unearthed during an argument, dealt as an even more crushing blow.
When affection is strong, those hardships might evoke pity. But when feelings fade, they might just say she deserved it.
Though she and Yu Yeqing were neither in the throes of passion nor estranged, with Shao Wen'ang as the rotten pearl before the fine one, some things inevitably gave her pause. She wouldn't suppress her current feelings out of fear of an unknown future, but she couldn't lay herself bare without any caution either.
After a moment's hesitation, Song Hemei felt she needed to show him her stance. She gently stroked the back of Yu Yeqing's hand. "He was never an old flame. Those days were just lived one day at a time."
It was unclear whether Yu Yeqing understood. He spoke abruptly, "Yes, I saw it with my own eyes. Second Miss was attentive and considerate towards Lord Shao."
Song Hemei frowned instinctively. When had she ever been attentive and considerate?
She thought for a moment, then simply moved her fingertips into his palm, hooking her finger around his. When she spoke again, the nervousness was hard to hide. "It was hardly consideration. We were just muddling through life together. It wasn't like I had anywhere else to go."
She stressed the last words, unsure if he would understand.
She couldn't say it plainly—that would seem too unfaithful—but she wanted him to know that she and Shao Wen'ang were no loving couple.
But at that moment, Yu Yeqing fell silent.
His lack of response left her wondering: was this his usual reticence, or had he understood her implication and was deliberately distancing himself, refusing to take the bait?
She waited, her nervousness subsiding into a calm that began to curdle into irritation at the thought of being looked down upon.
Just as her patience was about to run out and she was ready to push his arm aside and get up, Yu Yeqing finally spoke. "And you? Did you go looking for someone else?"
Song Hemei turned her head in surprise and saw Yu Yeqing propping himself up slightly, looking down at her, as if he wanted to capture every last shred of her expression, not missing a single detail. "In these three years, has there been anyone else like us back then?"
Song Hemei found his question very strange. She frowned back at him. "What other person? Why are you suddenly asking that?"
Yu Yeqing stared at her deeply, not as if he doubted her words, but as if he needed to repeatedly reaffirm them.
"Back then, you only had that dalliance with me because Lord Shao's troubles had upset you. You also said that being with me then was mere coincidence. Would it have been the same with anyone else?"
Song Hemei finally understood. In his eyes, if she and Shao Wen'ang had been unhappily married, there would have been a second 'him' in these three years.
A surge of anger welled up inside her. "Is that how you see me? Or do you truly believe I would just grab any man off the street?"
Yu Yeqing stubbornly insisted, "You wouldn't have to grab anyone." If she wanted, someone would surely offer themselves up.
His gaze was dark. He finally forced out a name from his memory. "Wu Chenghe. Did he get married?"
A name appearing out of nowhere like this! Song Hemei looked at him in astonishment. "No. How do you even know him?"
But there was another reason for her shock and anger. "He's the manager of my Song Family Cosmetics Shop! How could you possibly know the manager of a cosmetics shop?"
Yu Yeqing said nothing. He just kept staring at her, with no intention of answering her question. Instead, it was as if he was pinning the reason for the other man's bachelorhood on her.
She was indeed getting angry now. She propped herself up as well.
Now with more presence, Yu Yeqing even backed away slightly as she rose, but his blue robe still hung loosely over her.
"What does it have to do with me whether he's married or not? I'm his boss, not a matchmaker. The Song family may not be what it was, but it's still sizable. Am I supposed to go around asking every single one of them?"
She looked at him, growing more heated. "He might be good-looking, but am I some kind of flower thief? Do I see a decent man and bring him into my bed?"
Yu Yeqing looked a little stunned by her vehement outburst. Song Hemei let out a cold laugh. "I truly don't understand you. What are you trying to say by dragging him into this? It's already done. If I'd had someone else these three years, would you regret last night and this morning with me? Isn't that regret a bit late? You knew I had a husband in name. Why didn't you mind him, but you're picking on others?"
Yu Yeqing's hands were propped on either side of her. She had said so much in one breath that he could only latch onto the most important point. "I do not regret it. Nor have I ever disliked you."
Song Hemei let out a cold snort. At least he was talking sense now.
But since she was up, she couldn't just lie here with him all day. She didn't want to continue this conversation either. Looking down at his clothes, she said, "Give me your outer robe."
Yu Yeqing stiffened, his fingers propped on the bed pressing down a little harder. "Why?"
"To bathe, of course. Don't you have things to do later? Did you truly plan to just lie here all day?"
She shifted her gaze slightly, trying to sound nonchalant, but the shyness was still hard to suppress. "You can't expect me to just walk over there stark naked, then go to bathe in clean clothes while I'm still dirty, can you?"
Yu Yeqing's eyelashes fluttered. "What about me?"
"I'll find you a set of new clothes."
Song Hemei looked back at him, deliberately raising an eyebrow. "What's wrong? Now you're suspicious that I've been keeping other men's clothes around for the past three years?"
She leaned closer, staring into his eyes. "Clothes of other men. Will you wear them?"
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