Chapter 68: Scars
Song Hemei's words fell, but what followed was a rather prolonged silence.
Or perhaps this feeling of prolongation was merely an illusion born of her own deep embarrassment; regardless, she made even her own breathing very light, as if afraid she might miss his answer.
What she heard ringing in her ears was the steady beat of his heart. Just as she was once again giving birth to the thought of giving up, wanting to steer the conversation elsewhere, Yu Yeqing finally spoke: "What I said earlier was not meant to overstep."
What was this? A refusal?
Song Hemei pressed her lips together, an uncomfortable sensation settling in her chest. All her thoughts and feelings were adrift, unable to find purchase.
Her voice was a little muffled: "Forget it. Just pretend I didn't ask."
Yu Yeqing lowered his gaze to look at the crown of the head of the person in his embrace. He pondered for a moment, unable to tell if she was mocking him for presuming to do what Shao Wen'ang should do, or if she was, as three years ago, displeased with others interfering in the affairs of those close to her.
His Adam's apple bobbed. He still spoke: "But if someone is forcing you, my intervention might be useful."
Song Hemei thought it over and felt his words held some merit. His status now was different from before.
But as for the name... the nausea that had once lodged in her throat had long since been smoothed away. If this had been two years ago, she might still have felt it was a relief to vent her anger. Thinking of it now, she felt it was better not to bring it up at all.
She was never of the same breed as those other women. If she were to go out of her way to change her name back, it would be as if she were proclaiming to all of them, "I care deeply, so deeply that I must seize every chance to hold my head high." At that point, they would probably turn around and accuse her of being petty, of holding onto such a small grudge for so long.
They would always have their reasons. If she were perpetually bothered by others' words, she probably would have sought an opportunity to hang herself long ago.
The one who was hardest for her to fathom now was Yu Yeqing. When she spoke, her tone couldn't help but carry a hint of resentment: "Well then, I truly must thank you for being so thoughtful on my behalf."
Song Hemei shifted, turning around so her back rested against his chest. This way, his arm that encircled her rested perfectly against her lower abdomen.
She lowered her gaze for a moment, then instinctively hooked her hand around his, her fingertips tracing the scar on his palm inch by inch. Under the candlelight, it looked more and more hideous.
But the more she touched it, the heavier she felt Yu Yeqing's breathing become. Finally, he grabbed her wrist, pinning both her hands.
"Don't look."
Song Hemei turned her head to look at him, meeting his deep-set eyes directly.
An unquenchable passion flickered in the depths of his gaze, making her heart pound violently several times. But before she could speak, Yu Yeqing leaned down directly, holding her tightly within his embrace as he kissed her lips.
Though the force was not great, it felt as if he would steal away all her breath.
Song Hemei only felt her lips go numb, her body losing all its strength. A thin mist clouded her eyes. The whole person leaned into his powerful arms. In a negligent moment, she let his tongue touch hers, and immediately afterwards, she felt as though he was losing control, sucking until the root of her tongue ached.
She wanted to tap his shoulder, but when she tried to exert force, she found herself held very firmly in his grip.
She didn't understand how a scholar could have such strength—one hand holding both of hers securely. This created a panic within her that nearly spiraled out of control. In her desperation, she could only whimper twice.
Yu Yeqing's reason finally returned. He pulled away from her with difficulty, his thin lips stained with a glistening sheen.
The colder and more proper a person was, the more thrilling and taboo-breaking they seemed when tainted with lust. Song Hemei felt her temples throb furiously. Fortunately, her lingering fatigue still anchored her reason. She swallowed and asked, "You wouldn't do anything excessive, would you?"
"I will not."
He said it with a straight face.
Yet the deep meaning in his gaze, his voice hoarse, made it seem unlikely he would keep his word.
But the next instant, he lifted her up slightly, pressing her more closely against his chest. This allowed him to bury his face in her neck, holding her in a seamless embrace.
Song Hemei's body stiffened, not knowing what he intended to do. But he was deliberately careful not to touch her bare neck, his jaw resting against her collar.
"So you do care about me?"
Yu Yeqing suddenly spoke, his bluntness startling her.
Song Hemei swallowed. Though somewhat embarrassed, she still wanted to tell the truth: "Why wouldn't I?"
She let out a soft sigh, a little helpless with herself. "A scar that deep… it must have hurt so much. Am I not allowed to feel sorry for you?"
She leaned her head against his shoulder in return. "We've known each other since we were children. At the very least, we had something good once. What do you take me for? That I could see your injury and remain unmoved?"
Yu Yeqing took a deep breath, then held her even tighter.
After a long moment, he finally said in a low voice, "But in the future, you might not."
Song Hemei tilted her head back. "What do you mean by that?"
Yu Yeqing didn't answer. Instead, he asked her, "Aren't you going to sleep?"
After the kiss they had just shared, it was hard for Song Hemei not to let her mind wander towards other implications of his question. She quickly nodded: "Yes, I should sleep."
Yu Yeqing drew her closer again, letting her rest securely in his arms. He raised his other free hand and covered her eyes. "Should I put out the candles?"
"No need. This is fine."
Song Hemei felt the warmth radiating from his palm, her back pressed tightly against his chest. It made her feel incredibly safe. She had originally intended to talk with him a bit longer, but within a few breaths, she had fallen asleep.
When she woke again, she was the only one left on the bed, and the sky outside the window was already fully bright.
Song Hemei lay on the bed for a long while before she could confirm that last night had not been a dream. Yet, she couldn't help feeling a hollow emptiness in her chest from Yu Yeqing's abrupt departure.
Leaving like this—it must mean, as he had said, that he had already left Changzhou, right? This departure, and who knew how long it would be. How could he leave so silently, without even saying goodbye?
Perhaps it was because her illness had subsided, but she felt her body was also much more relaxed and finally realized she was hungry. So, she called Chunhui and Suhui inside.
First, she sent Suhui to prepare food, leaving Chunhui alone in the room.
Song Hemei stared at the person before her, who was lowering her eyes respectfully, and spoke slowly: "I had forgotten. You've been meticulous in your thoughts since you were a child."
Chunhui lowered her head even further.
Song Hemei tilted her head, scrutinizing her, a faint smile on her lips. "I'm just asking you a question. What are you afraid of?"
Chunhui took a deep breath and immediately knelt: "Please forgive me, Madam. This servant never intended to pry into my mistress's affairs!"
Song Hemei didn't speak. She simply waited quietly for her answer.
Chunhui had been clever and considerate since childhood, good at deciphering her thoughts. It wasn't surprising that she knew about Song Hemei and Yu Yeqing. What was surprising was that she hadn't concealed it, and had directly fetched Yu Yeqing on her behalf.
Song Hemei was merely ill; Yu Yeqing was not a doctor. Calling for him was clearly an attempt to read her thoughts and curry favor.
In other words, Chunhui had likely also discerned that Song Hemei had developed feelings for Yu Yeqing.
After a moment of silence in the room, Chunhui finally answered in a low voice: "Madam refused to see a physician. This servant had no other recourse and thought that perhaps calling for Lord Yu might offer some relief."
She didn't rise but kept her head to the floor in a kneeling bow. "This servant has always regretted the events of three years ago. If only I had gone to the Yu residence back then, maybe I could have discovered the problem sooner. This servant has seen Madam's regret, and I wished to do something for you."
Song Hemei narrowed her eyes, studying her.
She knew that Chunhui had her own petty thoughts.
But who, being human, could be without their own thoughts? One principle of managing people was not to rein them in too tightly.
Chunhui had served by her side since childhood. Her loyalty was unquestionable, but sometimes she was too opinionated.
Back then, when Father and Mother advised her to return to the Shao prefectural residence, and implicitly allowed Shao Wen'ang to force her hand, Chunhui saw what was happening but believed her parents' decision was better for her, so she didn't warn her.
Later, when Song Hemei ordered her to go to the Yu residence to see what was happening, Chunhui again heeded her elder brother's words, hiding the truth from her. She had also sensed Song Hemei's possible entanglement with Yu Yeqing and sought to help sever it.
Because of these two incidents, over the past three years, Song Hemei had not trusted Chunhui as she once did. She thought Chunhui's guilt was genuine, but the real driver was a desire to please her, believing that aligning with Yu Yeqing was now a good choice for her mistress.
Song Hemei's face gradually turned cold. "My affairs are not for you to meddle in. You are my personal attendant; there is old sentiment between us. I haven't transferred you away before now, so you needn't fear. And there's even less need for you to use such machinations to curry favor with me."
She did have lingering affection for Chunhui; she regarded these two maids as half-sisters.
She knew Chunhui was clever and surely understood that only by following her mistress's will could she long enjoy her favor. But it was precisely because Chunhui also cared for her and wanted what was best for her that she dared to use these little schemes, even risking her mistress's displeasure.
As soon as Song Hemei finished speaking, Chunhui knocked her head on the floor once more. Then she slowly raised her eyes, now misted with tears. "This servant knows Madam honors past bonds, and I always remember Madam's kindness."
She bit her lip, hesitated for a moment, then spoke as if burning her bridges, "This servant did so in the hope that Madam could reconcile with Lord Yu. If anything happens in the future, I hope Lord Yu can be of some help to you."
Song Hemei frowned. "What do you mean by that?"
"This matter is ultimately based on groundless suspicions I have, and I was reluctant to mention it to you. But now I have no choice but to let you hear it and see if I've guessed right."
She crawled on her knees to Song Hemei's side and lowered her voice: "That day when Lord Yu first came to the residence, I happened to be at the kitchen arranging things. When I brought the refreshments, Lord Yu heard my name and repeated it. You, Madam, must have heard it too, but you said nothing and asked nothing, instead changing the subject. The more I thought about it, the stranger it seemed."
Song Hemei listened, her gaze turning contemplative.
It was indeed a very trivial detail. But thinking further, when she returned to the residence, she had been summoned immediately. Later, she was tasked with guiding Yu Yeqing back to Changzhou. It was indeed hard to say that Shao Wen'ang hadn't sensed something.
Shao Wen'ang was, after all, a genuine Jinshi graduate. One couldn't assume he was foolish. If he had been truly foolish, how could he have hidden his affair with Cao Lingchun so well?
Yu Yeqing's strange reaction to the name 'Chunhui' indicated that he had seen her before and knew her former name—and still remembered it after three years. It was difficult not to suspect his past acquaintance with Song Hemei.
So how far had Shao Wen'ang's suspicions gone? If he merely thought they were acquainted, that was one thing. But what if he directly concluded they had had an illicit affair back then?
She harbored the intention of seeking an amicable divorce. If Shao Wen'ang truly became suspicious because of this and tightened his reins on her, how could she ever leave?
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