Chapter 84: Unease
Song Hemei lay on her back, and as the person beside her spoke, she could feel his hot breath against her ear.
His voice was calm, without any intent to intimidate. Instead, it carried a cautious tentativeness she could almost taste, as if he were repeatedly testing the truth of her words.
She had to set aside her own thoughts for the moment. After all, it wasn't a heavy matter. And it wasn't that his feelings were insufficient—perhaps it was simply because he was, by nature, a dignified and self-restrained man. If he held her without the slightest reaction, that would be something for her to ponder deeply.
Song Hemei shifted slightly, her bare arm brushing against the soft fabric of his inner robe before her hand came to rest atop his, which lay on her waist. "There are many good things about you. Which one do you want to hear?"
Yu Yeqing was surprised by her answer. He was stunned for a moment before replying, "Many?"
"Yes, many. I think you're a very good person. You're good to your family, and you're quite talented. In just three years since arriving in the Capital, you've already secured a decent official post."
His character and learning were beyond reproach. His appearance went without saying. And he treated her well.
It was only natural that she thought well of him.
Yu Yeqing didn't respond, but he didn't seem pleased by her words either. He only pulled her into a tighter embrace, so tight that it almost seemed to her that he was feeling a sense of unease.
But what could he possibly be uneasy about?
Did he think she was just saying empty words to console him? Then he should be angry.
Did he think she hadn't listed enough of his good qualities? But no matter how good a person was, the merits they possessed could only be summed up in a few ways. She wasn't composing a eulogy; where would she find so many different words to praise him?
But when Yu Yeqing spoke again, all he said was, "Should I stay here tonight?"
His words pulled her thoughts away. She answered instinctively, "Of course not. We're still in the Shao residence. If the maids or servants see you tomorrow morning, it'll only cause unnecessary trouble."
He buried his face in the crook of her neck, breathing in her scent, his voice a little muffled. "But he'll find out sooner or later."
"That has to wait until I've left the Shao residence with a clear name. Even though seeking an amicable divorce from him doesn't involve that many complications, all the officials' wives in Linzhou know me. If I don't handle this properly and end things cleanly with the Shao family, it'll be hard to avoid nasty rumors. And who knows if Shao Wen'ang, to save face, might not turn around and slander you."
Her words were not lacking in consideration for him, but the final conclusion was only one: that they still could not meet openly for the time being.
Yu Yeqing's Adam's apple bobbed. The light in his eyes dimmed.
For him, every day without a formal title was a day of unease. Even knowing she had no ties left with the Shao family, and certainly no lingering affection for Shao Wen'ang, he still felt unsettled on his own account.
If, one day, she met someone who was even better to his family, or held an even higher official position, where would that leave him?
His kindness to his family was because he only had one younger sister left to depend on. His official position… was partly due to the recommendation of that Lord Lu. None of it was something purely, uniquely his own.
Since others could have them too, there would always be someone better than him.
His unease made him more talkative. "Then can I still come to see you?"
Song Hemei felt he was being a little clingy, but the word "clingy" didn't suit him at all. If she weren't experiencing it firsthand, she would likely never associate those two words with him.
Nevertheless, she answered matter-of-factly, "Of course. Under cover of darkness, with nothing better to do, you can come at night. No one else will know."
As soon as the words left her mouth, she felt they sounded a bit improper.
She added, "We can meet during the day too. If he's not around, I'll come find you."
This feeling of conspiring to meet in secret was familiar. It was just like three years ago. It seemed as if they were always stuck in a state of limbo, difficult for the world to accept.
But that was alright. Song Hemei was still optimistic. Leaving the Shao residence was right in front of her. This covert, hidden life wouldn't last much longer.
Thinking this, she was even able to smoothly comfort Yu Yeqing. She patted his hand. "Alright, let go now. The most important thing now is for me to bathe."
Yu Yeqing propped himself up slightly and looked down at her. She was unhurried, as if she were completely at ease handling this sort of situation. It was clearly a matter for two people, but he was the only one worrying about things going wrong.
Facing her, he could only let out a soft sigh. "Do you need my help?"
Song Hemei thought back to that awkward, flustered moment in her boudoir at the Song residence. She immediately put on a serious expression. "I still have some strength, so I won't trouble you."
Though they were indeed closer now, the thought of being completely bare before him, awake and aware, while he washed her… that was more than a little embarrassing.
Yu Yeqing, in contrast, lowered his long lashes, looking somewhat disappointed. But he didn't insist further and obediently let her go.
Without the cover of his clothing, the sight beneath her loosened garments was fully exposed. Song Hemei swallowed, forcing herself to be calm as she gathered her clothes back. Her hair bun had already been loosened by their earlier passion. As she sat up, she simply pulled out the dangling hairpins, letting her dark tresses fall, which also helped to somewhat conceal the marks on her neck.
Yu Yeqing's clothes, though not removed, were hardly neat. His moon-white inner robe bore some ambiguous stains. She didn't dare to look. She simply stood up and rang the small bell by the bedside, summoning Chunhui.
Her waist and legs were truly aching. She slowly moved to the door, worried that Chunhui might just walk straight in. But Chunhui stopped just outside the door and asked softly, "Madam, do you have any instructions?"
Song Hemei cleared her throat, trying to make her voice sound normal. "Go ask the kitchen to heat some water. I want to bathe."
Having an extra bath during the hot summer wasn't strange at all.
But Chunhui paused for a moment before replying in a low voice, "Madam, this servant has already prepared it. It's set up in the side room."
She was too thoughtful, too considerate. But that thoughtfulness and consideration in this moment were a stark confirmation that she knew exactly what had happened in the room.
Song Hemei felt a burn spread from her neck to her cheeks. Even her voice, which she had tried so hard to keep steady, now betrayed her embarrassment. "Ah… you're very thoughtful. You may withdraw."
Chunhui acknowledged the order and didn't linger. As the sound of her footsteps faded away, Song Hemei closed her eyes in chagrin. She had no idea how she would face anyone tomorrow.
"You didn't want her to know. Why?"
Yu Yeqing had already draped his outer robe over his shoulders. Though he still looked a bit disheveled, he had already regained the composed demeanor he wore during the day.
"She is your personal maid. Why couldn't even she know?" Yu Yeqing paused. "Am I such a disgrace that you're ashamed to speak of me to others? But you just told me you think I'm very good."
Song Hemei turned to look at him. Moonlight streamed in through the window, and the shadows cast by the window frame cut across him, making him seem flickering and indistinct. Only his dark, deep eyes were fixed on her.
She felt a little helpless. "Is that the same thing? I just think…"
She blinked, feeling awkward. "I just think it's a little shameful. It's nothing for her to know we're together. Even less for her to know we have feelings for each other. But for her to know we've been intimate… that's just too embarrassing."
The words "being intimate" were simple enough, but to have it known by others felt like being stripped bare—known for how they kissed, how they tangled together, how they were overwhelmed and sought the ultimate release.
Yu Yeqing didn't seem to fully grasp her meaning, but the look in his eyes was much softer than before.
His gaze wandered over her face. She truly seemed to be very embarrassed. Even in the dim darkness, he could almost see the pink blush spreading from her cheeks down her neck. Under the light, would it be a deep, clear red?
The reluctance to part surged within him, urging him to close the distance between them, step by step, until he stood before her and pulled her back into his arms.
Only the tangible sensation of her in his arms could confirm that all of this was real. But this realization did not mean he could bid her farewell with ease and spend the long night alone, fighting against the threat that all this beauty might vanish by morning.
Even if her words were sweet, even if she hadn't resisted him at all tonight, he still didn't want to be apart from her. Not even for a single night, even if they were in the same residence.
He had never been able to keep anything or anyone he cared for or wanted, from childhood to now. The panic in his heart was a tangible, suffocating dread, a threat and a mockery whispering in his ear that come morning, she would turn her back on him, and that would be only natural.
Everything drove him to hold the woman in his arms tighter, and then, from the depths of his being, he asked, "Can I go bathe with you?"
Song Hemei: "...What?"
Yu Yeqing said it seriously, "Together."
Song Hemei bit her lip. Her hands, resting on his back, instinctively clutched at his clothes.
Had he guessed her earlier thoughts about him not being lustful, and this was his way of proving her wrong?
He really didn't have to do this... She was already quite tired. Though she could still walk on her own, she didn't need to push herself to the point where even getting out of bed was a chore again.
"Forget it. My bath barrel isn't big enough for two people."
Yu Yeqing, however, was full of ideas at this moment. "I can keep watch beside you."
Song Hemei's temple throbbed. Keep watch?
What villain did she think might come to bother her while she bathed?
Seeing that she didn't answer, Yu Yeqing's voice dropped lower. "I can't?"
Even though she couldn't see his expression, Song Hemei could feel his dejection.
That dejection made her heart soften. The warmth from his chest pressed against her and the clear scent of ink that clung to him made her dizzy for a moment.
But that one moment was enough for her to relent. "Alright."
Yu Yeqing was finally satisfied. He loosened his arms around her, stood up straight, and nodded slightly, his eyes downcast as he stood before her.
She could clearly see the tenderness in his eyes. It was a bewitching thing, one that made her own heart ripple with emotion.
She quickly averted her gaze, took his hand, and led him towards the side room.
The hot water filled the room with steam. Stepping past the screen draped with fine linen, they could see the kettle heating on the stove.
And there, in the very middle of the room, stood a large wooden barrel—one that could fit two people.
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Thank you for the update. I wait for the update every day. Your translate is really good.
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