Chapter 108: Admitting Defeat
"You deliberately kept my undergarment…"
Song Hemei's hand didn't linger long on Yu Yeqing's ear before he caught it, pulling it down and clasping it in his own.
He coughed lightly, somewhat unnaturally. "Father and Mother are still here."
Song Hemei was momentarily speechless. She found his choice of words oddly unsettling, but she truly didn't want to engage in any intimate actions with him in this place.
The joss paper and spirit money were soon nearly burnt through. Yu Yeqing kowtowed three times before rising to his feet.
The sky was bright and clear just then. A breeze came from somewhere, cool against the skin. There was nothing pressing to do, so Yu Yeqing took her hand with one and led the horse with the other, walking toward the forest path.
When they reached a large tree, he sat down first, then spread the hem of his robe out beside him, signalling for her to sit.
Song Hemei didn't hesitate. She sat down close beside him, her gaze fixed ahead. The scenery here was unexpectedly pleasant.
"When I was young, my father brought me here once. He said this place was seldom visited and the view was lovely—that this was where he and Mother confessed their love. If they ever died, they wanted to be buried together here, not with the Qi family ancestral graves. At the time, I didn't think much of the scenery. After Father and Mother passed, I dared not even look at it. But sometimes, when Minglian was gravely ill, I would come and sit here, looking at the view. Back then, I thought dying here would be fine too."
Song Hemei's heart clenched. She immediately turned to look at the man beside her, only to see his gaze dark and distant, his face calm as if the matter he spoke of had nothing to do with him.
She thought for a moment, didn't interrupt him, only gripped his hand a little tighter.
His aunt, Madam Qi, didn't seem particularly close to him. She'd never seen him maintain close ties with any other clan members. These burdens had weighed on him for many years. Now that he was willing to speak of them, it was a good thing.
Yu Yeqing truly intended to lay all his family matters bare before her, clean and clear, in one go.
"My birth father is surnamed Lu. He serves as a Palace Steward in the Capital. He forcibly took my birth mother as a chamber maid. His principal wife despised her. Mother fled far away. It was a long time before she realized she was pregnant with me. At the time, she was wandering destitute, starving, thin and frail—no visible signs of pregnancy. She mistook the discomfort of pregnancy for illness. By the time she discovered it, aborting the child would have endangered her life, so she had no choice but to give birth to me. And so—"
Yu Yeqing's tone carried a hint of melancholy: "She hated me very much."
Song Hemei instinctively looked toward the grave mound. For a moment, her heart was filled with an indescribable feeling.
If it were her, she would have hated this child too. It was proof that a woman had been violated. Giving birth to her enemy's child—how deep must the hatred be?
Perhaps, if it were her, she would have been even more ruthless. Either aborting the child, willing to die together, or strangling it in its swaddling clothes.
She brushed her thumb over the back of Yu Yeqing's hand and ventured, "The father you said was kind to you—was it Father Qi?"
Yu Yeqing nodded. "Father was remarkable. He was well-read and skilled in martial arts. He wasn't just good at riding—his archery was excellent too. Before he took the imperial exams, he farmed and hunted and lived a good life. But he met Mother. When my birth father came looking for her, Mother was already pregnant with Minglian and refused to leave with him. So he took his anger out on Father, ruining his chances in the imperial examinations. Aunt has resented Mother ever since. Father gradually grew distant from Aunt because of it."
His gaze fell back on his parents' grave. "I didn't know any of this at first. I only realized later that I was an extra burden. Mother was kind. Even though she didn't like me, she couldn't bear to abandon me. Sometimes I would watch Father and Mother holding and coaxing Minglian, and I felt that without me, they might have been happier."
Song Hemei lowered her eyes and thought for a moment. Perhaps Madam Yu didn't entirely despise him.
A child carried for ten months and born, then watched grow up. An innocent child. Perhaps her hatred was more tangled up in the past.
She only understood this truth after personally raising Shao Lianzhu.
The birth father was despicable. But looking at an obedient, sensible child, even if one hated him, it was hard to be too cruel. Once feelings got involved in anything, everything became complicated and hard to sever. The bond of giving birth and raising a child was no exception.
Perhaps at this moment she should console him with her own thoughts, tell him that Madam Yu still cared for him as a son. But she couldn't bring herself to say it.
She thought that Madam Yu's inner struggle and pain must have been even more intense than her own. Acknowledging that she cared for this child would be unfair to the self she had been when she was violated. So she could only raise him while deceiving herself into hating him. Perhaps Father Qi had seen through her pain, which was why he loved Yu Yeqing on the one hand, but never stepped in to mediate or soothe.
Sometimes, people who have suffered need a little self-deception to heal. Forcing Madam Yu to admit she cared about her enemy's child would be unfair to her.
Song Hemei leaned in gently, resting against his shoulder. "So it seems I'm the only one who should truly thank Madam Yu. If you hadn't existed back then, what would I have done? Finding another gentleman would have been quite troublesome. It's not like chives in the field—once a batch is gone, another grows."
She tried to sound lighthearted, but Yu Yeqing turned his head to look at her, a strange, stubborn intensity creeping into his eyes.
"I have always resented my birth father for this, and I still do. But later I thought—blood ties truly can't be severed. Mother was right to hate me. Deep in my bones, I carry his despicable blood."
Song Hemei was startled. She didn't understand why he had started belittling himself.
When she met his eyes, she instinctively felt a chill run down her spine from the coldness in them. She watched him raise his hand to stroke her cheek. The hairs on her skin stood on end where he touched. But then his warm palm covered her entirely, his thumb rubbing against her cheek, then tracing over the tip of her nose, all the way to her lips.
He didn't use much force, but it made her breath quicken, as if that hand might tighten around her neck.
"Thank goodness—you have feelings for me."
Song Hemei's eyelashes fluttered. She wondered whom this "thank goodness" was truly for.
Was he grateful that he had won her affection? Or was she fortunate that, without her feelings for him, she wouldn't have been taken by force?
She thought carefully and realized she hadn't really seen it before—how this quiet, taciturn man could harbor such impulses.
She had always thought she had been very wise to confess her feelings first. Otherwise, she didn't know how long she would have been tormented by his sudden disappearances. So if she hadn't taken the initiative to speak up, would he have abducted her by force?
The chill down her spine faded. She sighed softly, admiring how well he had hidden it. She simply pulled his hand away from her cheek and held it firmly, speaking earnestly, "Then you should thank me properly. I made you pull back from the brink so you wouldn't have the chance to do something bad. Otherwise, where would you have found the face to come and pay respects to your mother?"
Yu Yeqing's pupils trembled. He nodded. "Mm. Thank you."
Quite obedient.
Song Hemei tugged his hand backward, making him wrap his arms around her, and she threw herself into his embrace. "You're nothing like that Lu fellow. As for what you said, I'll just take it as you caring about me too much. I won't hold it against you."
After all, his birth father probably wouldn't come complaining to her with the same stubborn, aggrieved tone about how she was being unfair to him.
Yu Yeqing's voice was very soft. "How am I different?"
Song Hemei was a little embarrassed to say it directly. She changed the subject. "For one thing, you never thought of making me your chamber maid, and you never married someone else behind my back."
Yu Yeqing buried his face in her neck. "Does that count?"
She hugged him and swayed gently. "Of course it counts. I'm the one judging, so what I say goes."
She didn't want to dwell on this matter any further. The troubles of the previous generation shouldn't make him miserable. Besides, his mother had been gone for many years.
Perhaps his feelings of insecurity and anxiety stemmed from this. It made her heart ache for him.
Actually, this kind of aching was somewhat dangerous. Being pained for him made her soft toward him, made her partial to him. It was even more dangerous than simply loving him. But what could she do? Breathing in his clean, cool scent, she could only think, let it be. She would just own it.
Song Hemei sighed softly. "Let's go back. If we stay until noon, the sun will be uncomfortable."
Yu Yeqing softly agreed. When she stood up, he raised his sleeve to brush the dust off her clothes before helping her mount the horse.
Originally, he had planned to return to his small courtyard to fetch some old belongings. At the Song residence, they would just be staying in her courtyard anyway. After some discussion, they changed their minds. They bought some food and decided to stay the night at his little courtyard.
Yu Yeqing had lived comfortably for three years, but his cooking skills hadn't dulled. He was good at picking vegetables and meat. She knew nothing about it, so she just stood nearby and watched him.
This novel feeling was pleasant, but she could only handle it occasionally. If she had to live like this every day, she wouldn't be used to it. She preferred her own courtyard, where the maids had everything bought and prepared. She wasn't meant for a hard life, nor did she want one. Her family had raised her in comfort—she wasn't meant for hardship.
Fortunately, Yu Yeqing was quick and considerate. When they left, he said guiltily, "Was it too noisy? I should have let you go back and wait for me."
Song Hemei shook her head amiably and led the horse back with him.
When they reached the small courtyard, Yu Yeqing tidied up quickly and laid out fresh bedding. Song Hemei sat to the side, propping her chin on her hand, watching him do rough work while dressed in fine clothes. The refinement he had cultivated over these three years hadn't dulled his efficiency. It was quite pleasing to the eye.
No wonder people loved stories about the Cowherd and the Weaver Girl. A lofty goddess washing her hands to cook for a man—it really had a special charm.
But after the "goddess" finished tidying up, he paused, walked to the corner of the bed, and bent down, fumbling for something. When he turned back, he held a box in his hands.
The box was nothing special—crude and simple. She had a feeling he had made it himself.
But when the box was opened, the gold inside dazzled her eyes. Song Hemei was stunned. "Isn't this the headdress from my wedding day? You didn't take it to the pawnshop?"
Yu Yeqing hummed in affirmation. "At the time, I was worried you might regret it. It's too precious, and its significance is extraordinary. It shouldn't be disposed of carelessly."
Song Hemei reached out and took it. Looking at the many hairpins and ornaments inside, she couldn't help but laugh. "Fine. When you and I get married, we can use this set. That way it won't go to waste. I'm not bragging—my mother had it made by a master craftsman. She started preparing it when I was born. Ordinary headdresses can't compare."
She reached in to touch it, but noticed a familiar piece of red silk tucked under the phoenix crown.
Curious, she pulled it out and unfurled it, only to realize it was her wedding undergarment.
"So that's why I couldn't find it back then. Why did you deliberately keep my undergarment?"
She looked up. Yu Yeqing's ears were noticeably red. He said seriously, "I didn't keep it on purpose—"
Song Hemei examined it. "Oh, and it's been washed… You're quite improper, aren't you, Young Master Yu?"
Post a Comment